Sunday, March 31, 2013

LOCOG Directive LXII: Updated No-No List

Greetings, London Inferior. You will know that last orbit, your leaders saw fit to give over Your London to the temporary administration of The LOCOG, which in Its ineffable wisdom brought forth a grand structure upon the vestiges of the Stratford Conurb. A sporting-oval, to which many London Inferiors trudged in order to mandatory delight in demonstrations of physic prowess by a variety of bespoke Sport Golems and such surviving athletes that still remained after the Great Woe. Inferiors and Outer People alike gathered in clutches to view such events as the Paraplegithon, the Trial by Ferret, the always popular Flume of So So Many Knives, and table tennis.

These were great days, and many discs of metal were awarded for satisfactory movement. The Games may be over and the discs and athletes long since recycled, but London remains to languish under the cloud. And so does LOCOG, for It loves you, Its children, so much that It permanently dissolved your leaders and assumed their mantle, and you will agree that since this time, The LOCOG's amendments to Your London have improved it vastly. The grey of the sky is that much greyer. Frowns have been refined into open weeping. The scourge of vagrancy is so much lessened, now that the rain burns even underwater.

Of the many changes LOCOG has forced upon introduced to Your London, perhaps the most important are the many No-Nos and Mega-No-Nos now fearlessly enforced by the pitiless gauntlets of the Beak. It is hard to conceive of the strange time when so many of these infractions went unpunished, but now new No-Nos are being drafted and placed into law as quickly as the Legislatron can convolute them in its ineffable quasi-brain. As such, it is difficult for Inferiors to keep abreast of what constitutes wrong movement, speech or thought. This update, being #582, is for your edification on the latest infractions. Remember that ignorance is not an excuse, an is itself a Category 47 No-No, with the punishment of full or partial ossification.

You will read it.

The left flank of the nonstationary plebway is sacrosanct. Standing upon it is a bare bad offence, as it impedes the progress of your fellow Inferiors as they skitter up and down the nonstationary plebways that LOCOG has provided to expedite their progress towards whatever toil or fleeting respite awaits them at their place of destiny.
Upon being apprehended by security optics, the condemned will be temporarily fused with the moving stair via superheating of the footplate. Upon reaching the terminus of ascent/descent, a ricketty trapdoor will be opened to enable the condemned to plummet into The Matmos. LOCOG expresses Its regret that this will also doom any non-offenders travelling on the escalator at the time, but these innocents need not fret; their biomass will not go to waste, as the belly of the World Bear is never truly full.

Dark glasses are permitted to be worn solely for the preservation of Inferiors' optic nerves in fleeting moments of direct sunlight. The wearer will remove the offending items when challenged by a Beak, which will crush them under its hoof, then sarcastically replace them upon the offender's physog.
Noncompliance is a Tier 7 Mega-Nono, rendering the felon liable to The Cortical Lance. Following aforesaid procedure, glasses will be returned undamaged - the wearer's permanent blindness now renders their use legitimate.

Your poncho serves many purposes - It is drab and shapeless, protecting you from individuality and the attention of the opposite gender. Its robust, uncomfortable hessian keeps rain and pigeon leavings away from your pallid frame. But most importantly, the hood prevents Outer People from unintentionally gawping at your physog. It is terrible, and should it be seen, you will be chastised in line with the No-No outlined below.

Away across the Blight, there exist certain other places, where live People. People are like you in basic shape, number of limbs &c, but they are better. They have more bones. Their physogs may be seen.  They are permitted to leave. You may have seen many of these Outer People during the Games, many gawping and some even taking part. Now, Outer People still come over the Wall so as to gawp at the erections left behind from Before, stand in front of them and gawp at eachother very hard so as to remember they were there. They do not come here to look upon you and your fellow Inferiors lolloping about, although at times you may be called upon to caper for their amusement.

The Legislatron decrees that no music will be performed outside the Cone of License, as it has found unfettered performances can rouse in Inferiors memories of those things we may no longer have, such as coloured ponchos or the smiles of children. This in turn can lead to inconvenient upturns in auto-euthanasia which puts undue pressure on already overstretched burn-teams.

Owing to London Inferiors' insistent tendency to come up with ever more picaresque ways to misuse the public Ablutorium which LOCOG has so benevolently supplied to one in every eight postal codes, it has been necessary to draft yet more regulations regarding its utilisation. Management stresses that every time the Ablutorium is discovered in a less than pristine condition, it must be closed for reconsecration. Here are the latest amendments;

Although their names are similar and they are located exactly adjacent to one another behind identical porticos, there is still no excuse for confusing the Ablutorium with the Abortorium. Complaining serves only to draw attention to one's own incorrectness, and may draw the attention of a Beak.

Twenty-Eight. It cannot be stressed strongly enough that nothing other than night-silt be placed in the banishment pail. The food and animal sacrifices continually sent down by superstitious Inferiors only provide sustenance to the Sewer Trogs. We will never be free of their awful folk music until this foolish practise is ended.

Twenty-Nine. 29.

Inferiors enacting Rectal Quacks must now limit their volume to 10dB. Newly-installed decibelometers will monitor noise levels, and any anal belch that breaches this limit will cause the offender's cubicle to become positively charged.

The molten slag will be made available to family members within three working days.

1 comment:

Rapathy said...

Update yo shit, dawg.