Monday, February 06, 2006

Ainsley Harriott Facts

"This business is fulla unrealistic motherfuckers."

Recently there has been an Internet trend for lists of facts about well-known badasses like Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Mr. T (most of them recycling the same facts and just changing the name, which is very lazy) But there’s one man who’s been so far overlooked, and yet is approximately 2000% harder-core than any of those fakers. I refer, of course, to the king of TV chefs - Ainsley Harriott. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Ainsley Harriott Facts.

-The smell of a meal well-cooked brings joy to Ainsley Harriott's heart, but so much greater is his love for that sickly-sweet scent that derives only from the burning flesh of his enemies.

-To achieve his trademark reflective "chrome-dome" look, Ainsley Harriott washes his head daily in the blood of Nazis he has killed with his own bare hands. Ready-killed Nazis’ blood is not sufficient.

-Futhermore, if the reflected sunlight from Ainsley’s head was projected into a solar panel, it would power India for a week.

-Ainsley Harriott never has to actually cook the food on his programmes. He just stares it out until it cooks itself out of terror.

-One day when he was making free meals for homeless orphans, Ainsley tripped over a dinosaur fossil and hurt his ankle. In revenge, he travelled back in time and killed all the dinosaurs one by one.

-Anthony Worral Thompson was once six feet tall, until one fateful day he questioned Ainsley Harriott’s authority. Enraged at this impudence, Ainsley used science to transform him into a dwarf.

-Ainsley Harriott is responsible for the world’s only soufle√© which is visible from space.

-He also created the world’s longest, strongest strand of spaghetti. He used it to bungee jump into an active volcano, and then ate it. The volcano, not the spaghetti.

-You know the scar on Gordon Ramsay’s face? That was Ainsley.

-Ainsley Harriott once had an argument with a pushy German gentleman. This event was later referred to as World War II.

-Ainsley spends every summer raiding and pillaging other cooking programmes in his longship.

-If Ainsley Harriott does it, it’s not a crime.

-Chuck Norris once dropkicked Ainsley in the balls. It took Chuck six months to recover.

-Flying Saucer sightings are due to Ainsley angrily throwing inferior cooks’ pies into the stratosphere.

-Ainsley Harriott once baked a novelty birthday cake in the shape of Osama Bin Laden for one of his friends. The likeness was so convincing that it was attacked by a group of MI6 agents. The cake killed them.

-Vin Diesel wishes he was as bald as Ainsley.

-Ever wonder why you don’t see Nigella Lawson on TV anymore? She is still recovering from a one-night stand with Ainsley three years ago.

-The set of Ready Steady Cook is actually Ainsley Harriott’s own kitchen. When the crew go home and the lights are turned off he’s still there, perched on top of the cooker in a state of cat-like alertness.

-If Ainsley says it’s a Red Pepper Day, then it’s a motherfucking Red Pepper Day. Bitch.


Mr Jerky said...

I heard that Ainsley Harriot has a new book coming out, it's called "Malteaser Head: Autobiography of a Rapist". The cover shows Ainsley's smiling visage, except his eyes have been replaced by dollar signs. The book focuses entirely on rape in spectacularly-graphic detail, a concept that makes me sick to my stomach. I have only pre-ordered six copies.

jamila said...

there's actually no need for civilisation when i've got this

Ragnar said...

All this is true. By way of cunning anagram Ainsley Harriot conceals his hard street name `Oi! Arry the nails.`

Pointz said...

His prescence just offends me. He should take his bald black head elsewhere, preferably, Hell.