Thursday, May 24, 2007

Today was hot

I am going to partake in a true English passtime, and talk about the weather. It's behaving as it should again. Last month's sweltering heatwave was difficult to enjoy, as its early (and fatal, in the case of one poor London Marathon runner) onset served as just another reminder that England will soon be either a tropical rainforest, an icy wasteland, or will slip beneath the waves altogether, to join Atlantis. The following gloomy spell wasn't much fun, but at least it was normal. Now, however, it's MEANT to be hot, so it's ok. Today was, as a member of what I am informed is known as "The Working Class" would say, 'fookin' hot as'. This is fine, of course, for most people, but it presents a unique problem for me in that I have to go out and find some sunglasses, if I don't want my eyes to be burned out of their sockets and trickle down my cheeks. And also, I don't want to look like a cunt.
There's nothing wrong per se with modern sunglasses, it's just that they all make you look like a cunt. For me, they all fall into two categories. Category 1 consists of the needlessly streamlined-looking high tech shades for people like this blowjob, who probably still thinks The Matrix is cool:

Then you've got your category twos. These are more offensive still. They are the oversized bug-like sunglasses made popular by Celebrities© and sported by young women who want to resemble Paris Hilton, and irredeemable posing metrosexual arse bandits with immaculately ruffled hairdos and ironic baseball hats;

Right, he is actually wearing Aviators, but you can blame that on Google Image Search's spectacular failure to yield better results when I searched for "dickhead shades". Nevertheless, just look at this cum receptacle. His hat is made out a section of his nan's sewing basket. And his mouth is VERY SLIGHTLY OPEN as is the style with hipster types, because they cannot figure out how to breathe through their noses without fucking it up somehow. I bet he's also wearing a sweater that's too tight for him, and shows off his hideous little bloke-nipples. And I bet he thinks that 'beard' makes him look manly, although he would sheepishly cross the street to avoid any group of young tracksuit-clad men who paid approximately £80 less than him for their own baseball caps. Oh, and he probably owns at least three different shirts with clever mottoes that allude to his penis.
There is probably a category 3, but I can't see it because my eyes are scrunched up into a permanent squint. I bet it looks just as shit anyway. So basically I'm presented with a choice of either looking like a blowjob or a cum receptacle, or just going blind from the sunlight, in which case I'll be wearing dark glasses anyway. I don't know where to turn.
I bet this is how Jesus felt.