Saturday, June 03, 2006

Alternative Weapons in the War on Terror

Ghost Suit
Terrorists are a cowardly, superstitious lot, and their fear of ghosts, ghouls and other vengeful spectres is well documented. Recognising this as a weakness apt for exploitation, the army has developed this ghost suit. The suit incorporates a multitude of hair-raising Fright Features, including sophisticated vocal modulation unit (Hasbro voice-changing Darth Vader© mask) which allows the trooper to make convincingly terrifying "wooooo!" noises, and a coating of glow in the dark paint, adding to the psychological impact during night ops, as the soldier runs towards the terrified enemy, who scream "Aaaaaaah! A g-g-ghost!" and run away. Unfortunately the ghost suit is of limited use in combat zones such as spooky castles, ghost trains, haunted mansions and other areas that are already haunted, as real ghosts are very territorial and will chase off any fake ghosts on sight.

A remote controlled three-dimensional hologram facsimile of action star Arnold Schwarzenegger, which fools terrorists into believing they face Arnie himself in combat. Terrorists have witnessed the actor kill literally hundreds of their kind in Hollywood action movies, and are even more scared of him than they are of ghosts. If they are not frightened off by the sight, they will likely try to shoot him, at which point the real Arnie can use the distraction to sneak up behind them and machine-gun them to death. Alternatively, if the terrorists have realised the deception, Arnie can pretend to be the hologram and the terrorists, thinking they're oh so clever, don't waste their bullets on him, but then Arnie goes "hahahaaha! You think this is the real Arnie? IT IS." and turns round and machine-guns them to death. Its use in combat depends heavily on Mr. Schwarzenegger finding a space in his hectic schedule.

V-22 Osprey
This experimental variable-geometry VTOL aircraft, which has a proud twenty-year tradition of killing American flight crews, will not actually be used by coalition forces, on account of how ridiculously dangerous it is. Instead, they will be sold to terrorist organisations at an attractive price. Then, we just sit back and watch as the terrorists' ranks are annihilated by the ship's various electrical faults, terribly designed flight control systems, leaking fuel tanks, sudden explosions and general shoddy workmanship.

Satirical T-Shirts
All American troops are to be outfitted with t-shirts featuring cartoons of Osama bin Laden, the terrorists' equivalent of the Pope, being anally violated by the sharp end of a flagpole bearing those colours that never run, Ol' Glory, the Stars And Stripes©. When loudmouthed US troops drive through the terrorists' home towns wearing these shirts, randomly firing into vehicles and flashing their penises at the locals, the terrorists will know that America is an inherently superior, more civilised country, and will give up their terroristic ways in pursuit of the American Dream.

One of the commonly held explanations for terrorists being so angry and frustrated all the time is that their zany heathen religion forbids them from "pullin` themselves orf" and demands that their women be covered head to toe in shapeless black robes, and that this - combined with the belief that if they die in the service of their god (Thor or Zeus or Cthulhu or something), they get their collective freak on in the afterlife - means that many terrorists simply kill themselves in order to lose their virginity. This, of course, is dead wrong. The real reason they're unhappy is because their bodies are inhabited by the ancient ghosts of alien Thetans murdered by the dark lord Xenu billions of years before mankind evolved. Terrorists will be taken into the church of Scientology and, over several years (for a paltry few hundred dollars per lesson), educated about this and other profound spiritual truths, such as why gays and psychologists are evil and why child labour is okay, all accompanied by regular screenings of smash hit sci-fi blockbuster Battlefield Earth. Terrorists will be fleeced of all their money, and those who refuse to renounce their Muslim faith will be subject to threats and costly lawsuits. Either way, the terrorists are made bankrupt and incapable of buying vital terrorist equipment like suicide belts, AK-47s and novelty "Lick Bu$h!" bumper stickers.

1 comment:

Claudia said...